Slow and steady wins the race...

Well, whoever came up with that little nugget really needs to be throttled in a slow and timely manner!  Slow and steady has never been my forte and try as I might, as much as I wish, I just can't seem to adhere to the quality over quantity rule!  I sound like a desperate woman but in times of need I can't always fall back on my own fair hand to help me out as I have done in times gone by.  I need a bit more than that now, so....the deed is done and the email has been sent.  I await the reply with baited breath and a hope that still burns as bright and true as it did the day I first set it alight!!  If not more so....... xx

Don't have a clue

I'm not sure what to make of this really...I was soooo sure and yet it didn't happen.  I gave in, slightly, but it wasn't to the extent that I could have done (forces were at work!) so what does it all mean?  The only thing I can glean from all of this is that I still believe it will happen, someday, but as for the matter of when...that remains to be seen.  I wish for a lot of things but this time, this year if I could have just one thing it would be him, my man.  There you go...I admit it....I wish I was with him right now!  I can say I want a fairytale, a dream but in reality all I want is him, completely and utterly. 

That's where I went wrong....I wished for the wrong thing right at the beginning....I should have wished for the fundamentals, then I wouldn't be here.  I still believe in the fairytale but now it's just a bit more diluted than it was before.  Christmas is a long time in coming but if I could have my presents early I would wish for it...right here and right now....xx

Old faithful

Like a familiar smell or a song that reminds you of times gone by, I have a feeling creeping over me that I've made a huge mistake.  It's slowly making it's way through my soul and will soon be knocking at the door to my heart just begging to be let in where it can set up camp and happily keep me company for the rest of my life....over dramatic, moi?  I think not!!

Well, you might be right there but that's what it feels like.  This happens every time and I can't seem to shake it off.  It's not like I haven't been positive and upbeat this week, it's just that when things don't happen when I want or expect them to happen I start to get a bit jittery and my resolve wavers.  I know what's going because like I said it's happened many a time before but I never thought it would happen to me this time.  I really thought I had it covered this time round.  God, listen to me....you'd think I'd been hit with the sad stick!  It's just a wee bump in the road!  I'll get over it or find a way round it....I'm not going to give in, not now....I'll survive.  I hope...xx

The Path To Enlightnement

This has been a pretty weird and wonderful week for me.  I've done a lot of thinking and asked myself some tough questions but despite it all I still come to the same conclusion...it all boils down to the same thing....I'm going to get my shot at making my dream come true!  Whether or not I'll be able to hold onto that dream when I get is another matter altogether but that's a bridge I'll cross when I come to it.....

No one ever said that love was easy because they knew full well that no matter how great it is to be in love or to feel love for someone it can also hurt like hell and can make things pretty difficult for you, if you let it.  It's all about striking a balance I guess, getting your priorities straight before diving head long into it.  But where's the fun in that?!  I've spent half my life thinking about things and it's never really done me much good! 

The last time I found myself heading down a similar path I ended up veering all over the place and ended up heading straight over the edge of a cliff so why the hell would I want to go through all that again?  Because I want to.  Because I need to.  And most important of all...because I know it's the right thing to do.  It might not be my most sensible decision ever but then nothing ever is or has been but I couldn't, in all honesty, live with myself if I didn't do it.  It really is as simple as that. 

I went through hell and back the last time and although I came out of the whole experience a new person, it wasn't pretty to watch and it brought me to the egde so many times it scares me to think how close I came to losing everything but it didn't and I'm still here.  The things I've gained far outweigh the things I've lost along the way so no matter how scared or nervous I am of doing it all again, I will do it...I will.  It's the only thing to do and I just can't wait!  If this dream is half as good as I think it is then I would quite happily go back through time and do it all again just to have it and you have no idea just how hard that is to realise!  There is no way I'd ever want to go through it all again but I would for the right reason, and this is the right reason.

It's such a scary thought but I can't give up now, not after all this.  Even if things don't turn ot the way I'd planned at least I could say I tried, I gave it my all and there's nothing more I could have done.  If that's not a reason to keep going then I don't know what is!  The idea of what I might get at the end is making me crazy and I just hope against hope and wish on every shooting star and every rainbow anywhere in the world right this very second that it's not just as good as I'd imagined but a million times better.....xx

All or Nothing

Like the river runs to the sea and the mountains touch the sky

My heart calls out to yours like a never ending dream

I know you can hear me, I know you can see

So I send up a prayer and wish for you too

Angels and demons, heaven and hell

I’d deal with the devil to make it come true

So one last time, one last try

I’ll give my all and then wait for you

Looooong week.....

The saying goes 'A watched pot never boils' and in all intents and purposes it's correct but I wish to God it did!  I wish it boiled and boiled and bubbled up so hard that the lid flew off.....the contents of the pot spilt all over the stove and made an unholy mess!  I'd love for a mess like that right now...the unholier the better.....now that would be great!

I'm talking rubbish I know, but it will all make sense soon - I hope!  All this waiting is driving me nuts and the more time I spend thinking about it the worse it gets!  So I should be thinking about something else but I can't seem to help myself....I wish Saturday would hurry up and arrive......that's when the boiling should really begin and then after that?  Well, who knows....xx

I can almost see the finish line!

That might be getting ahead of myself but I just can't help it...I feel so good about things right now that I just want to stick my head out the window and shout to the world that all is good and woo-bloody-hoo!!  At 10.46pm that might not go down to well with the locals but it would sure as hell make me feel good!

It has been such a good day that I don't know what to think or feel or say...I just don't know.  Inside my heart has been doing flip flops and the rest of my body has been beating with a rythmn I can't quite explain but my God I don't want it to end!  Now that I have - almost - what I've been hoping for I can't quite believe it and I'm waiting for the 'what ifs' and the 'buts' to kick in as I know that's what happened in the past and I recognise it as my heads way of trying to sort out just how committed to this dream I am.  If I give in the they'll be able to report back to HQ that I was just as weak as first thought but if I keep going and keep fighting then....I'm just not sure what will happen but I so want to find out!

Castles in the sky, fairytales, basic instincts...they've all played their part this week and it's got me here to this point and it's somewhere I've never been before so I'm a bit wary but I want to know what happens next, in fact, I kind of already have a little inkling what's going to happen next but I'm keeping quiet right now.  I predict that by Saturday I will have the answer and will be able to tell the world all about it.......hope against hope and with all the luck in the world I really hope I get it right this time....xx