Slow and steady wins the race...

Well, whoever came up with that little nugget really needs to be throttled in a slow and timely manner!  Slow and steady has never been my forte and try as I might, as much as I wish, I just can't seem to adhere to the quality over quantity rule!  I sound like a desperate woman but in times of need I can't always fall back on my own fair hand to help me out as I have done in times gone by.  I need a bit more than that now, so....the deed is done and the email has been sent.  I await the reply with baited breath and a hope that still burns as bright and true as it did the day I first set it alight!!  If not more so....... xx

Don't have a clue

I'm not sure what to make of this really...I was soooo sure and yet it didn't happen.  I gave in, slightly, but it wasn't to the extent that I could have done (forces were at work!) so what does it all mean?  The only thing I can glean from all of this is that I still believe it will happen, someday, but as for the matter of when...that remains to be seen.  I wish for a lot of things but this time, this year if I could have just one thing it would be him, my man.  There you go...I admit it....I wish I was with him right now!  I can say I want a fairytale, a dream but in reality all I want is him, completely and utterly. 

That's where I went wrong....I wished for the wrong thing right at the beginning....I should have wished for the fundamentals, then I wouldn't be here.  I still believe in the fairytale but now it's just a bit more diluted than it was before.  Christmas is a long time in coming but if I could have my presents early I would wish for it...right here and right now....xx

Old faithful

Like a familiar smell or a song that reminds you of times gone by, I have a feeling creeping over me that I've made a huge mistake.  It's slowly making it's way through my soul and will soon be knocking at the door to my heart just begging to be let in where it can set up camp and happily keep me company for the rest of my life....over dramatic, moi?  I think not!!

Well, you might be right there but that's what it feels like.  This happens every time and I can't seem to shake it off.  It's not like I haven't been positive and upbeat this week, it's just that when things don't happen when I want or expect them to happen I start to get a bit jittery and my resolve wavers.  I know what's going because like I said it's happened many a time before but I never thought it would happen to me this time.  I really thought I had it covered this time round.  God, listen to me....you'd think I'd been hit with the sad stick!  It's just a wee bump in the road!  I'll get over it or find a way round it....I'm not going to give in, not now....I'll survive.  I hope...xx

The Path To Enlightnement

This has been a pretty weird and wonderful week for me.  I've done a lot of thinking and asked myself some tough questions but despite it all I still come to the same conclusion...it all boils down to the same thing....I'm going to get my shot at making my dream come true!  Whether or not I'll be able to hold onto that dream when I get is another matter altogether but that's a bridge I'll cross when I come to it.....

No one ever said that love was easy because they knew full well that no matter how great it is to be in love or to feel love for someone it can also hurt like hell and can make things pretty difficult for you, if you let it.  It's all about striking a balance I guess, getting your priorities straight before diving head long into it.  But where's the fun in that?!  I've spent half my life thinking about things and it's never really done me much good! 

The last time I found myself heading down a similar path I ended up veering all over the place and ended up heading straight over the edge of a cliff so why the hell would I want to go through all that again?  Because I want to.  Because I need to.  And most important of all...because I know it's the right thing to do.  It might not be my most sensible decision ever but then nothing ever is or has been but I couldn't, in all honesty, live with myself if I didn't do it.  It really is as simple as that. 

I went through hell and back the last time and although I came out of the whole experience a new person, it wasn't pretty to watch and it brought me to the egde so many times it scares me to think how close I came to losing everything but it didn't and I'm still here.  The things I've gained far outweigh the things I've lost along the way so no matter how scared or nervous I am of doing it all again, I will do it...I will.  It's the only thing to do and I just can't wait!  If this dream is half as good as I think it is then I would quite happily go back through time and do it all again just to have it and you have no idea just how hard that is to realise!  There is no way I'd ever want to go through it all again but I would for the right reason, and this is the right reason.

It's such a scary thought but I can't give up now, not after all this.  Even if things don't turn ot the way I'd planned at least I could say I tried, I gave it my all and there's nothing more I could have done.  If that's not a reason to keep going then I don't know what is!  The idea of what I might get at the end is making me crazy and I just hope against hope and wish on every shooting star and every rainbow anywhere in the world right this very second that it's not just as good as I'd imagined but a million times better.....xx

All or Nothing

Like the river runs to the sea and the mountains touch the sky

My heart calls out to yours like a never ending dream

I know you can hear me, I know you can see

So I send up a prayer and wish for you too

Angels and demons, heaven and hell

I’d deal with the devil to make it come true

So one last time, one last try

I’ll give my all and then wait for you

Looooong week.....

The saying goes 'A watched pot never boils' and in all intents and purposes it's correct but I wish to God it did!  I wish it boiled and boiled and bubbled up so hard that the lid flew off.....the contents of the pot spilt all over the stove and made an unholy mess!  I'd love for a mess like that right now...the unholier the better.....now that would be great!

I'm talking rubbish I know, but it will all make sense soon - I hope!  All this waiting is driving me nuts and the more time I spend thinking about it the worse it gets!  So I should be thinking about something else but I can't seem to help myself....I wish Saturday would hurry up and arrive......that's when the boiling should really begin and then after that?  Well, who knows....xx

I can almost see the finish line!

That might be getting ahead of myself but I just can't help it...I feel so good about things right now that I just want to stick my head out the window and shout to the world that all is good and woo-bloody-hoo!!  At 10.46pm that might not go down to well with the locals but it would sure as hell make me feel good!

It has been such a good day that I don't know what to think or feel or say...I just don't know.  Inside my heart has been doing flip flops and the rest of my body has been beating with a rythmn I can't quite explain but my God I don't want it to end!  Now that I have - almost - what I've been hoping for I can't quite believe it and I'm waiting for the 'what ifs' and the 'buts' to kick in as I know that's what happened in the past and I recognise it as my heads way of trying to sort out just how committed to this dream I am.  If I give in the they'll be able to report back to HQ that I was just as weak as first thought but if I keep going and keep fighting then....I'm just not sure what will happen but I so want to find out!

Castles in the sky, fairytales, basic instincts...they've all played their part this week and it's got me here to this point and it's somewhere I've never been before so I'm a bit wary but I want to know what happens next, in fact, I kind of already have a little inkling what's going to happen next but I'm keeping quiet right now.  I predict that by Saturday I will have the answer and will be able to tell the world all about it.......hope against hope and with all the luck in the world I really hope I get it right this time....xx

It's happening again....

I'm sure it is, I can feel it in my bones.  The last time I got this feeling.....I don't actually think I've ever had this particular feeling before.  Oooh, that's new....but the last time I had a feeling similar to this I had a very good week.  It was everything I could have hoped for and more so God only knows what will happen this time!  I hate not knowing what's going to happen but I have a fair idea and if I'm right then it'll top the last time by miles!

This is what I was talking about before, you know, having faith and trusting your instincts.  It might seem stupid at the time but when you're actually feeling what I am right now you just can't believe that you almost gave this up and took the easy way out.  The thing is....I still might!  It's not over yet and I know I'm going to be tempted to give in and just let go...one more time wouldn't really hurt now that I know it's all going to be alright....but every time I give in it takes twice as long as before to claw my way back and right now I cannot afford to waste time.  And to be quite honest I really do not want to go through all that again and again every time I slip up.  It's getting too hard and it's not doing me any good.  That's why last night I made a solemn, if albeit nervous, promise to myself and The Big Man to give up for good - forever and ever - and I can't go back on that.  A promise is a promise after all and what I asked for in return is everything I've ever wanted so I can't back down now....I'm so close I can almost touch it!  And by 'it' I mean the whole thing...the fairytale.

I know, I'm a big girl and I'm relatively sensible and intelligent so why the hell would I be wasting my time with fairytales but I think I've been over this!  I believe in myths and magic and my fairytale is still  a bit of a myth but with a bit of magic and a whole lot of luck I can make it a reality...I'd bet my life I could....xx

Basic Instinct

No not the film...didn't enjoy that and never saw what all the fuss was about anyway....  I'm not sure why I'm posting again today as I think I've waffled enough for one day but I feel the need to vent so I'm running off on that tangent at full tilt....

I was talking about your own basic instincts, the ones you feel deep down inside and you somehow trust even though that little voice at the back of your head is starting to make a fuss because you're upsetting the neat little society it's created.  You know what I'm talking about.  Yes, you do!

Have you ever felt the need to just go for it and to hell with the consequences?  Ever woken up in the morning and just known in the pit of your stomach that something is right and no matter what the logical part of you says you just know it will all be okay?  Well, that's what I'm talking about....those are your basic instincts.  We're all born with them but some of us are so used to being sensible and level headed that we repress them to the point that we never hear them properly and they just rumble away in the background like static on your telly.  Some of us hear them but take so long weighing up all the pro's and con's that when we do get around to making the decisions the opportunity has gone and it won't be coming back.  Me on the other hand, I listen to these instincts and trust them more than I trust myself...I live my life by them and as I touched upon before it has gotten me into so much trouble but I did listen to them in the end.  I think though that in the past I fell into the previous category and over analysed them too much and ended up either making a rash decision or I missed the boat completely.  Now that I've got a little bit more perspective on things and have been able to look at my past mistakes, I feel more able to listen to my heart - because that's what this is really - and do what I feel is right.  You notice I said what is right and not what is best because the two can be confused.  Just because something is 'for the best' doesn't mean it's always the  'right' thing to do.  How I hate that phrase...'for the best'...I just detest it!!  Leave him honey, you know it's for the best......Of course I think you should quit your job, it's for the best.....Yes I think you should just give up on your dream now because it's far too silly and frivolous and you know it won't work out so why would you put yourself through all this if you don't know what will happen, you know it's for the best!!  Really, I could scream every time I hear it!!

Of course, some things are 'for the best' but that doesn't mean you have to use those particular words everytime you deem it appropriate.  For instance, I know that the best thing for me to do right now would be to get on with my life and forget all about a certain someone, pretending he never existed and just walk away, saving not just my sanity in the process but also my heart.  But I know it's not the right thing to do.  I know it's not.  I feel deep down inside me that the right thing to do would be to hold onto the tiny shred of hope I have and not let go because I know that I'm right.  The voice in my head is getting louder by the day by feeding on all the doubt and fear I'm laying in it's path...it's turning my heart and soul against me.  Sounds like the talk of a crazy woman but you know I'm talking sense, you wouldn't still be here otherwise would you?

I'm not going to ignore that voice but I'm not going to let it win this time, just like it did all those other times before.  There are pills I can swallow and alcohol I can drink to drown it out but that only makes it worse in the end.  It does get a bit quieter when the fog descends but once it starts to clear the voice comes back...with a vengance this time.  Taunting me for giving in and doing what I promised I wouldn't.  Then in rolls the self loathng and disgust along with the self pity and it's good friend cynicism.  You knew you'd fuck up again, didn't you?  I could have told you all this earlier and saved you the trip to the shop - you're a failure who will never get what she really wants!  You're weak and you're shallow and all you'll ever be is a big, fat mess who will look on from the sidelines while other people ride off into the sunset with their dreams before them...always the bridesmaid and never the bride!  Ha bloody ha!!

Wow, that was good...that's been sitting there for a while!  This confession thing really works and the great thing is that it's totally free and it doesn't matter how loud I scream in here because no one will ever hear me!  Should have thought of this earlier and saved myself a whole lot of heartache.  And money.  And brain cells...oh well, it's done now!  So what now...?  Oh yes...basic instincts...

Listen to them!  If you never do anything else in your life do this one thing for the love of all things good - listen to your heart and trust yourself, please!!  It makes more sense than sitting down with your pen and paper writing that list of reasons why you should and shoudn't do it.  You're really doubting me?  Well let me tell you, I would too but I know I'm talking sense here and I should know the difference between sense and nonsense having talked more of the latter and not enough of the former!  Everything happens for a reason and I believe that all the crap I had to go through to get to this point, sitting here writing this tonight, happened for a reason.  My heart got broken and I did some horrible and humiliating things but if I had to go through all that to be here right this very second I would.  Yes, I'm actually saying it...can't believe it but I am...but I'd do it all again if it meant I could be here and sit on the edge of this big event in my life waiting to find out what's down there.  I'm going to fall, that's a done deal, but how hard and how deep is anyones guess!  I might not even land where I thought I would but somewhere, somehow I kind of know that I will.  I'm going to wake up one day, roll over and stare at the back of a head I know I'll be staring at for the rest of my life....and I just can't wait!!  It's gonna be great!  And if that's not trusting your basic instincts then I don't know what is....xx

Do you believe in fairies?

It's questions like this that have people spluttering into their coffee and choking on their food but it's a pretty valid question when you consider the grand scheme of things.  Like do you still belive in Santa or The Tooth Fairy?  These are 'imaginary' people we were told about when we were kids to help make our lives a bit more special but as we got older we found out the truth and because we were grown up we could take that awful truth.  No, Santa does not live in the North Pole with his wife and all the elves making your toys in time for Christmas, it's your parents who go through all the stress and hassle of shopping for you.  No, The Tooth Fairy doesn't take the teeth you leave under your pillow and give you money instead, your parents tell you this to stop you thinking your life has ended because you have a huge gap in the front of your once cute smile.  And no, fairies do not exist, they don't flutter happily together in the woods and at the bottom of your garden...this is just a ploy to get you to buy all the toys and books associated with the subject!!  Now, do you feel better knowing that?  Have I shattered your hopes and dreams?  Is your life really any clearer now that you know there aren't strangers sneaking round your house in the middle of the night and taking things from under your pillow?  No it bloody well isn't!

How can you be happy knowing that all these things do not and never have existed?  It is like having all your dreams smashed and crushed under a great big boot...it's a bit heart breaking, isn't it?  So what really is wrong with still believeing?  What's wrong with having a bit of faith?  Because that's all it is - faith.  Five little letters that have struck fear into the hearts of the strongest and bravest of people for as long as time is old.  If you have faith then you must be a religious person and you must have an ulterior motive...what do you want that you can't get from the 'real' world?  That question is too big for anyone to answer!!  Everyone has their own set of beliefs and their own faith, why can't that just be enough?

My own faith consists of so many different things it would take more than a few lines on a blog to explain!  I believe in God but I'm not religious; I believe in angels and I do believe in fairies but I don't go looking for them in my garden, and I do believe in the 'magic' of Santa but I'm not holding out any hope of getting what I really want for Christmas!  I have a faith that goes beyond the traditional and isn't a popular one but it does me just fine!  I believe in fate and that we are all the masters of our own destiny...if you want something bad enough and are willing to work for it then I see no reason why you shouldn't achieve it, or something close to it, but I also believe that we all have the power within ourselves to wish and believe and trust in something that can't be explained by science or technology.  It's like an inner knowledge that there is something out there that is bigger than us and that while it doesn't control our lives it guides us and helps us along the way...like a gut instinct but different!  And in my life that instinct has gotten me into more trouble than I care to imagine but it's also brought some of the best moments I've ever had and despite all that trouble I'd never stop trusting it.  Call me silly but it's just how I feel.  We could all go on a bit of faith these days.  It wouldn't hurt and who knows where it might lead? xx

Castles in the sky

Fairytales don't exist, they aren't real and are just a figment of an over active imagination...stories dreamt up to help children drift off to a land of magic and mystery where the beautiful princess is always saved by the handsome prince and they always, always live happily ever after....

Who says they don't - or can't - exist?  I think they do!  I believe that everyone can have their very own fairytale if they want it enough.  Even the hardest of hearts can melt when faced with the possibility of having and holding onto their very own piece of magic.  So now...right now...I'm sending out a wish (in advance of Christmas but I'm sure Santa won't mind) for my very own fairytale.  Mine, all mine! 

Now, I'm not stupid enough to believe that if I sit still and wait like a good little girl I'll eventually get what I want.  I know that here in the real world we all have to put in the hard work if we expect to get the things we want, it's only right after all that we do our bit too.  Then when the day comes around when you're faced with your fairytale it'll be all the more special because you know you earned it and it wasn't just handed to you on a silver platter.

That's life in the 21st century, isn't it?  There are still castles in the sky, still dragons to slay and enemies to defeat but at the end of the day when the sun sets behind that castle and all is right with the world once again, we can all have a little piece of magic to call our own.  Whoever it's with and whatever it looks like...doesn't it seem worth a shot?  Wouldn't you rather give it everything than just leave it to fate?  Because that's what I fully intend to do.  I'm going to get up off my ass, pull my finger out, stop feeling sorry for myself and go out there and get my fairytale myself...no one else is going to do it for me and I'm not leaving anything to fate.

To be continued........... xx

Explanations

As the descrption says..'confession is good for the soul'...this is my way of finding out I guess.  I don't write a diary as my handwriting is terrible and my memory is even worse so my past attempts have always failed after a few weeks, if not days.  Whether or not this will be any better I'm not sure but at the very least it'll be legible!!

Todays confession - The reason I'm not where I want to be in life is because I sabotage any chance I have to be happy before it has even begun.

This is true... it's something I've only fully come to realise in the past few days but I have suspected it for some time and refused to believe it for fear of opening my eyes to the truth.  I'm a good person with a kind heart and good intentions but I have bad habits and don't always do the right thing.  Does that make me a bad person?  No it doesn't....it makes me human!!  See?  I'm admitting it now but in the morning it will feel completely different. 

I need to grow up and take stock of where my life is right now.......I'm 31, unemployed and am in love with someone I've never met.  If I had my way I would be, right at this very second, three hundred miles away in the arms of the man I love planning the future we've talked about so many times before.  The secret wedding, the six kids, the life of sheer bliss we would have knowing that what we feel for each other is real and not just a figment of our imaginations and something our lonely hearts dreamt up.  If I could reach out and touch that life right now I would...I'd grab it and hold on to it for dear life...but I can't.  Not right now.

Right now I need to let go of all the things I've been holding onto in the hope that one day salvation will come and take them from me.  I need to be the one who lets them go, I need to be the one who actually stops running and lets go.  I know it won't be easy and I wish I didn't have to do it 'alone' but I know it's the only way.  If that life is really worth living then it's worth waiting just a bit longer for.  I've waited this long so I'm sure another little while won't hurt.  Much........xx