Explanations

As the descrption says..'confession is good for the soul'...this is my way of finding out I guess.  I don't write a diary as my handwriting is terrible and my memory is even worse so my past attempts have always failed after a few weeks, if not days.  Whether or not this will be any better I'm not sure but at the very least it'll be legible!!

Todays confession - The reason I'm not where I want to be in life is because I sabotage any chance I have to be happy before it has even begun.

This is true... it's something I've only fully come to realise in the past few days but I have suspected it for some time and refused to believe it for fear of opening my eyes to the truth.  I'm a good person with a kind heart and good intentions but I have bad habits and don't always do the right thing.  Does that make me a bad person?  No it doesn't....it makes me human!!  See?  I'm admitting it now but in the morning it will feel completely different. 

I need to grow up and take stock of where my life is right now.......I'm 31, unemployed and am in love with someone I've never met.  If I had my way I would be, right at this very second, three hundred miles away in the arms of the man I love planning the future we've talked about so many times before.  The secret wedding, the six kids, the life of sheer bliss we would have knowing that what we feel for each other is real and not just a figment of our imaginations and something our lonely hearts dreamt up.  If I could reach out and touch that life right now I would...I'd grab it and hold on to it for dear life...but I can't.  Not right now.

Right now I need to let go of all the things I've been holding onto in the hope that one day salvation will come and take them from me.  I need to be the one who lets them go, I need to be the one who actually stops running and lets go.  I know it won't be easy and I wish I didn't have to do it 'alone' but I know it's the only way.  If that life is really worth living then it's worth waiting just a bit longer for.  I've waited this long so I'm sure another little while won't hurt.  Much........xx