Basic Instinct

No not the film...didn't enjoy that and never saw what all the fuss was about anyway....  I'm not sure why I'm posting again today as I think I've waffled enough for one day but I feel the need to vent so I'm running off on that tangent at full tilt....

I was talking about your own basic instincts, the ones you feel deep down inside and you somehow trust even though that little voice at the back of your head is starting to make a fuss because you're upsetting the neat little society it's created.  You know what I'm talking about.  Yes, you do!

Have you ever felt the need to just go for it and to hell with the consequences?  Ever woken up in the morning and just known in the pit of your stomach that something is right and no matter what the logical part of you says you just know it will all be okay?  Well, that's what I'm talking about....those are your basic instincts.  We're all born with them but some of us are so used to being sensible and level headed that we repress them to the point that we never hear them properly and they just rumble away in the background like static on your telly.  Some of us hear them but take so long weighing up all the pro's and con's that when we do get around to making the decisions the opportunity has gone and it won't be coming back.  Me on the other hand, I listen to these instincts and trust them more than I trust myself...I live my life by them and as I touched upon before it has gotten me into so much trouble but I did listen to them in the end.  I think though that in the past I fell into the previous category and over analysed them too much and ended up either making a rash decision or I missed the boat completely.  Now that I've got a little bit more perspective on things and have been able to look at my past mistakes, I feel more able to listen to my heart - because that's what this is really - and do what I feel is right.  You notice I said what is right and not what is best because the two can be confused.  Just because something is 'for the best' doesn't mean it's always the  'right' thing to do.  How I hate that phrase...'for the best'...I just detest it!!  Leave him honey, you know it's for the best......Of course I think you should quit your job, it's for the best.....Yes I think you should just give up on your dream now because it's far too silly and frivolous and you know it won't work out so why would you put yourself through all this if you don't know what will happen, you know it's for the best!!  Really, I could scream every time I hear it!!

Of course, some things are 'for the best' but that doesn't mean you have to use those particular words everytime you deem it appropriate.  For instance, I know that the best thing for me to do right now would be to get on with my life and forget all about a certain someone, pretending he never existed and just walk away, saving not just my sanity in the process but also my heart.  But I know it's not the right thing to do.  I know it's not.  I feel deep down inside me that the right thing to do would be to hold onto the tiny shred of hope I have and not let go because I know that I'm right.  The voice in my head is getting louder by the day by feeding on all the doubt and fear I'm laying in it's path...it's turning my heart and soul against me.  Sounds like the talk of a crazy woman but you know I'm talking sense, you wouldn't still be here otherwise would you?

I'm not going to ignore that voice but I'm not going to let it win this time, just like it did all those other times before.  There are pills I can swallow and alcohol I can drink to drown it out but that only makes it worse in the end.  It does get a bit quieter when the fog descends but once it starts to clear the voice comes back...with a vengance this time.  Taunting me for giving in and doing what I promised I wouldn't.  Then in rolls the self loathng and disgust along with the self pity and it's good friend cynicism.  You knew you'd fuck up again, didn't you?  I could have told you all this earlier and saved you the trip to the shop - you're a failure who will never get what she really wants!  You're weak and you're shallow and all you'll ever be is a big, fat mess who will look on from the sidelines while other people ride off into the sunset with their dreams before them...always the bridesmaid and never the bride!  Ha bloody ha!!

Wow, that was good...that's been sitting there for a while!  This confession thing really works and the great thing is that it's totally free and it doesn't matter how loud I scream in here because no one will ever hear me!  Should have thought of this earlier and saved myself a whole lot of heartache.  And money.  And brain cells...oh well, it's done now!  So what now...?  Oh yes...basic instincts...

Listen to them!  If you never do anything else in your life do this one thing for the love of all things good - listen to your heart and trust yourself, please!!  It makes more sense than sitting down with your pen and paper writing that list of reasons why you should and shoudn't do it.  You're really doubting me?  Well let me tell you, I would too but I know I'm talking sense here and I should know the difference between sense and nonsense having talked more of the latter and not enough of the former!  Everything happens for a reason and I believe that all the crap I had to go through to get to this point, sitting here writing this tonight, happened for a reason.  My heart got broken and I did some horrible and humiliating things but if I had to go through all that to be here right this very second I would.  Yes, I'm actually saying it...can't believe it but I am...but I'd do it all again if it meant I could be here and sit on the edge of this big event in my life waiting to find out what's down there.  I'm going to fall, that's a done deal, but how hard and how deep is anyones guess!  I might not even land where I thought I would but somewhere, somehow I kind of know that I will.  I'm going to wake up one day, roll over and stare at the back of a head I know I'll be staring at for the rest of my life....and I just can't wait!!  It's gonna be great!  And if that's not trusting your basic instincts then I don't know what is....xx